This article was supposed to be about our upcoming book, Wacky and Wonderful Recovery Workbook (WW), but it isn’t. We got distracted. You are so very interesting. Today’s FAQ’s are about you, not us.
Before we start:
You realize the authors are psychiatrists, or course? This will unfortunately be a psychiatric interview. For each question or statement, choose an option. We’ll base our interpretation on your answers.
FAQ 1. “How are you today?” How would you respond to this question?
(a) “Fine, thank you.”
(b) “Fine, thank you. And you?”
(c) “Fine, thank you. And you? I mean, is it okay for me to ask a psychiatrist that?”
(d) “How do you think I’m doing? You’re the psychiatrist. You tell me. What do you think I’m paying you for?”
How’d it go?
→ 33%, 33%, and 33% of patients answer (a), (b), and (c), respectively. These are super answers. If you chose one of the first three, you’re a stunning picture of mental health. We admire your progress in life. (And we’re doing fine too. Thanks for asking.)
→But did you choose (d)? If so, it will unfortunately require extensive psychodynamic existential psychosurgery to determine whether you’re fine or not. You’re the perfect patient. We’ll see you tomorrow morning at 10AM. For an extra 199 dollars, we’ll review your ego strengths and take you bowling.
→If you chose (e), our response is 55h4&^#*%–?78 45*4.
FAQ 2. “So what have you been doing lately?”
(a) “Those little cash registers are back, the ones that fly around and hide behind the fridge. They read my mind and send messages to the government.”
(b) “I was out partying last night when I realized I’d broken curfew. I ran so fast I lost my shoe. Then my carriage turned into a pumpkin.”
(c) “I made a pumpkin pie. It tasted like a carriage but, hell, it was worth it. The Fairy Godmother was upset.”
(d) “Last night? I spent the night researching my psychiatrist online, why?”
Here are our answers to your answers.
→If you answered (a), then please get rid of the cash registers as soon as possible. They’re downright scary.
→(b) Cinderella, is that you? Can you ask the Fairy Godmother if she knows anything about flying cash registers?
→(c) Oh, dear.
→(d) Can you also research flying cash registers? We hear they’re sending messages to the government.
→(e) The answer is 22.
FAQ 3. “Do you ever think you have special powers?”
(a) “God tells me I’m here to save the world. It’s got something to do with flying cash registers and stupid quizzes.”
(b) “I live life through a series of multiple choice questions.”
(c) “Sometimes I think I can heal people’s mental problems by looking at them in a smart way and asking ridiculous questions. Or doing something like that online.”
(d) “Seriously, doctor, your FAQ questions aren’t all that funny. They’re just plain odd.”
Which option did you choose? If you answered:
→(a) [Doctors groan] Please, no more flying registers! What’s this about a stupid quiz?
→(b) How do you feel about the author? Choose one of the following: (1) sad, (2) confused, or (3) choose one of the following: (i) she’s a symbol of intelligence, (ii) why, here sense of humor is stupendous, (iii) oh, never mind.
→(c) We’re going to look at you in smart way and ask stupid questions. You should feel better by morning.
→(d) See question #4 about enhancing frustration-tolerance.
FAQ 4. How do you deal with annoying people?
(a) “I have a large assortment of coping skills. In fact, I’ve been told I exhibit superior frustration-tolerance abilities. Conflict management is my middle name.”
(b) “My thoughts are very violent, so I avoid the world and surf the web looking for FAQ articles. It’s the only relief I get.”
(c) “I stalk people who are annoying. I take hundreds of pictures, make notes on their every movement, eavesdrop on their conversations. For example, this is a photo I took of you this morning, Doctor…”
(d) [Sorry, there is no D]
→Hmn, I’m sensing a bit of angst in the room. Why don’t we bring the session to a close and try again next week? That’ll be 550 dollars please. [Wait, there’s more: please move onto FAQ#5).
That’s enough FAQ’s for now. Thanks for joining us today, and make sure to visit again.